When I first started feeling the effects of Fibromyalgia I found it difficult to plan my weeks.
I never knew from day to day how it would affect my body and what affect different activities would have the next day or the next.
I lost the ability to work the long and physical hours that were required to keep my business trading and as a result I had to close the doors on my shop that had been my life for almost 10 years.
Through fibro fog I have lost the ability to retain information such as remembering the right words or the right names. The stress of concentration causes my body to shake so even handing money over at the till can be too much. I hand my purse to the cashier as I remember old ladies in my shop doing.
I have lost the ability to hold conversations. My tongue gets tied, my concentration lapses and I genuinely feel that I just have no input. All I seem to be capable of is talk about is my pain and what I cant do any more.
Where the constant pain affects my body it has restricted but the desire and the ability of physical contact. Friends giving me a welcome hug can make me want to scream in pain, my kids snuggling close in the sofa can bring tears to my eyes and ‘time’ spent alone with my husband? Forget it! He’s too scared of hurting me to risk it, despite of the positive effects it can have on my mental health.
These factors mean I have lost my confidence.
My ability to burn the calories I consume combined with the medication I take mean that my weight is constantly increasing, my clothes have become tight and I am uncomfortable in my own skin.
Within a few weeks of closing the doors to the business my car started having problems. It coincided with my husband being made redundant. As I could use his car whenever I needed we made the decision to sell mind. But now he’s back at work I have no vehicle. I have to make the choice of walking or catching public transport to run my errands, but both of these leave me anxious or exhausted and quite often it’s just easier to stay shut in. I have lost my sense of freedom.
I have tried to find a local job to keep my hand in, but 20 years of running a florists I find that I lack the skills for different career paths and my history of being my own boss seems to have made me unemployable.
My inability to earn my own income to buy the things I want without having to justify them means I have lost my independents.
So I sit at home unable to do all the activities I used to, my physical abilities dwindle as my body deteriorates. I feel resentment to my body. I feel resentment of having to rely on others of funds and for getting around. I resent those around me for not understanding how all this affects me, I feel resentful of my lack of independents, I feel resentful of this woman who looks back in the mirror who has no identity.
I wonder what else this condition will take from me?