My baby turned 18 this week. I can’t believe where the time has gone. Those first moments of his life where the cord was wrapped tightly around his neck, the oxygen units in the room failed, as did the mobile canister. Those minuets felt like hours, before the limb, blue little bundle took his first cry. And in that second he stole my heart. He was born 4 months after his dad had been involved in a near fatal driving accident. My birth plan was more concerned with how he would manager than it was about me or my baby. … Continue reading “18 Already??”
Month: May 2023
Feeling violated
I’m feeling stressed and very unsafe. I’m due to have a meeting at work soon. Trying to convince them to keep my job open. The GP has currently signed me off for 2 months. But I really want to be back sooner. My GP has agreed to amend the sicknote if I can work from home for 3 days a week. A slow reintroduction to work. But work aren’t interested in allowing me to have that flexibility. Work have requested copies of my medical notes. They’ve taken 4 weeks to be sent through to me, ahead of being sent to … Continue reading “Feeling violated”
Hollow
Hollow. That’s the only real way I can describe myself at the moment. I just feel empty. A husk. The world continues around me, but I’m not a participant. I keep things of things I could do to try to raise my spirits, but the truth is they’ll just get added to a long list of things I will continue to procrastinate. I’m still waiting to hear if I am going to be able to keep my job. Whether they can be adaptable enough to let me work from home 3 days a week to build myself back up. If … Continue reading “Hollow”
The Phoenix
Work has been playing on my mind. They’ve requested a copy of my medical records. The occupational therapist has suggested I start back with a month of 3 days work from home. I’ve sent them everything from the mental health teams I’ve been working with, but they’re still holding out. Or maybe just waiting for my sicknote to end. Either way I am anxious. And the anxiety is making me think they don’t want me back. In the past I have been on my knees so many times wondering how I will get through. Not just with work, but with … Continue reading “The Phoenix”
40 is the new 30
They say 40 is the new 30. At least that’s what they’re promoting now. It makes you feel young, feel safe and that your whole life is in front of you. And for the whole it is. It sounds great. But what the fuckers don’t tell you about 40 is the changes. It starts with a single hair on the chin that no matter how many times you pluck it the little bastard keeps growing back like a giant wired beacon that waves at one and all in the slightest of airflow, especially when the light is just right. And … Continue reading “40 is the new 30”
An evening conversing with my big brother
My brother has just had a staring contest with his pup. The dog had upset him. He’d been ‘affectionate with the cushion again’. He then yelled “You’re an utter Bastard and I shall flick you with my handkerchief”, which he then proceeded to do. With this the dog first tried ripping said handkerchief, then bounced round the furniture growling with his plastic bone. He’s now complaining about an odour coming from his pups furry butt. He’s taking turns holding said dog like a baby alternating between sniffing his mouth and sniffing his arse. If I’m honest its a little nauseating. … Continue reading “An evening conversing with my big brother”
20 mins of gardening equals 3 days of punishment and pain
I’m in an unsafe place today. I don’t feel I will do anything, but I don’t feel I should be alone. My heart is heavy and I feel like all that will help is to cry, the kind of crying where the sobs are guttural and uncontrollable. My babies are due home in a couple of hours. I wanted to be more like my old self again before they came home, but that expectation is out of reach. All I can give them is the broken person I have become. No further into my recovery from when they left on … Continue reading “20 mins of gardening equals 3 days of punishment and pain”
The girl in the cloth cap
I’ve always been known for strange dreams and this house is renowned for inducing them. Last night’s dream was no exception. I girl came to me. She was stick thin and cold. She wore a cotton summer smock with cloth cap. She said her name was Aileen, Eleanor or something similar. I asked her why she was in my bedroom and she told me she was lost. I wrapped her in my hoodie and sat with her on the spare bed. I only realised she had gone when another person walked into the room. They were searching for friends that … Continue reading “The girl in the cloth cap”
The field up the track
There was a field up the track. Each time we visited our hideaway house, come evening my friend and I would retreat to our secret field. We would be armed with a boom box, a bottle of cheap fizzy wine and a number of cassette tapes. And we were so clever, my parents would never guess, but our cigarettes were hidden in the tape deck of the boom box, should they ever check. Watching the sunset. Drinking our wine, sharing the smokes whilst dancing and singing at the top of our lungs. Once the sun set we would lie on … Continue reading “The field up the track”
Is this heaven
Assenting through the clouds in an aeroplane, you can’t help but think in a child-like way if this is what heaven is like. They look solid as if you could walk on them but so so soft like an inviting place to rest. As a child, I was taught that heaven was among the clouds and hell was beneath the earth’s crust, surrounded by fire and brimstone. When you are up among the clouds you can see why people would portray this, but unfortunately, when you are in them, there is no friendly face of those you love, only a … Continue reading “Is this heaven”