Yesterday was our wedding anniversary. We didn’t plan anything special, just a walk with the pups and a tasty dinner. All very low key. The two of us snuggled down watching movies in the afternoon. But today I feel guilty. Guilty that I didn’t put more effort into our day. Even his card didn’t arrive on time so I had to paint a rush job because I feel he has to know I care and I’m grateful for his love. Cards are important to him. To be honest I’m barely functioning on a normal day let alone a special day … Continue reading “Anniversary failure”
Month: April 2023
I’m in an unsafe place today
I’m in an unsafe place today. I don’t feel I will do anything, but I don’t feel I should be alone. My heart is heavy and I feel like all that will help is to cry, the kind of crying where the sobs are guttural and uncontrollable. My babies are due home in a couple of hours. I wanted to be more like my old self again before they came home, but that expectation is out of reach. All I can give them is the broken person I have become. No further into my recovery from when they left on … Continue reading “I’m in an unsafe place today”
I’m due back at work tomorrow
I’m due back at work tomorrow. After complaining to the adult services team that I don’t really get standard anxiety their course described, my anxiety is through the roof today. I was in 2.5 days last week so it’s not like I haven’t been back at work since I was so poorly. But I’m just nervous that I won’t be able to hack it. My mood today is very fragile. I know that I could easily get triggered and self-harm again. I’m also annoyed with myself for wasting the Easter holidays by achieving absolutely nothing. It’s hard to make myself … Continue reading “I’m due back at work tomorrow”
Baby steps
Today was a better day. I still don’t get good days, but it’s been better than I have been in a while. I found time for crafting and working on my current project. Something yesterday I thought I was going to put straight in the bin. I didn’t work on it for long. But I can see the progress. I also wrote myself a list of things to tick off as and when I do them. I didn’t achieve anything on the list, but I feel better that there is a plan. That means I’m imagining days in the future … Continue reading “Baby steps”
I should be in the pub right now
Today we were all meant to be going to the pub straight from work. I’ve been really looking forward to it. A time to chill and have a proper laugh to counter how busy we’ve been lately. Instead, it got to my lunch break and I had to come home. The anxiety meds I’ve been put on just aren’t working and the antidepressants are a long way from kicking in. I’m spending far too many hours thinking and planning my exit. I phoned the GP to ask if there was anything I could take to quieten my mind whilst the … Continue reading “I should be in the pub right now”
Dont do anything stupid, I need you in my life
Don’t do anything stupid, I need you in my life. Reading those words that were text to me today by my husband it should have melted my heart and made me feel brave enough to fight on. All they did was make me feel guilty as it was something I couldn’t promise not to do. I had to pick up a prescription on my way home. I purposely didn’t take my purse in as I knew I’d buy 2 boxes of paracetamol and ibuprofen, then buy a litre of vodka and down the lot. That’s where my head is at. … Continue reading “Dont do anything stupid, I need you in my life”
Hobbycraft addiction
As part of my care plan I have to attend 3 classes each week. I see them as a kind of evidence that I am trying to get better. One of the classes is over zoom so that’s a doddle, but the other 2 are face to face. I have no issue with the class being face to face other than it’s location. It’s a 3 minute drive from both Costa and a Hobbycraft, and if you haven’t worked out from previous posts my go to therapy is new stationery, bullet journals and fancy pens to write in them with. … Continue reading “Hobbycraft addiction”
Ripples in the sea
Why is my head so broken? I keep asking myself over and over again. I keep convincing myself that a new journal, some stickers or painting kit is the solution. But no matter how hard I tried I kept returning to this state where my head was loud and confused. My head wanted me to go against its natural instinct to survive. Today I was blessed with a visit from 2 of my friends that helped put my notebook to good use. Between them they traveled a total of 6.5 hrs round trip to check in with me. We met … Continue reading “Ripples in the sea”