My friend came to see me today. It’s been a while since we’ve chatted so there was lots to talk about. As always when we get together there is lots of tea and definitely cake. Cake is always a necessity. She told me about her kids. How they’re growing up. How her eldest is off to uni too. And her daughter has had struggles with friends on social media. Both things I can relate to. I told her about my troubles. My catastrophising. The urges to hurt myself as I don’t know how to deal with the pain I feel … Continue reading “Cake and psychology”
Month: March 2023
I just don’t want to be here
If I’m honest I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t know where I do want to be though. Last night I just wanted to run. Run into the darkness and hide somewhere noone would find me. Today I just don’t want to be in this house. I feel everything I say is wrong or contradicted. My head is loud, but I don’t want to do what it’s saying. That’s not my intention today, not the outcome I’m hoping for. Thats not the type of not being here I crave. I want to be out in the wild. Somewhere … Continue reading “I just don’t want to be here”
Low self-esteem? Me?
Low self-esteem? Me? It’s not a quality most people would relate to me. But that’s just because I’ve perfected my armor, created the ultimate camouflage. I wear amazing and crazy shoes, I make outrageously loud clothes that get me compliments where ever I go and I paint on that smile. And I put myself at the centre of attention whenever the opportunity arises. In groups I’m always a chatterbox making jokes, mainly about myself. I get the digs in before anyone else gets the chance. And for years it has worked for years. They see this loud gobby individual and … Continue reading “Low self-esteem? Me?”
All girls need a hero. And she was mine.
My grandmother was born prematurely. She weighed just 4lbs. Her birth was traumatic, so much so that they were more concerned for her mother’s life that the lifeless child was bundled in the bloody rags, tossed in the corner of the room whilst the midwife fought to save her mums life. It was only after about 30 mins that they heard a soft mewling from the corner and realised that my nan was still alive. For the first few months of her life she was so tiny and fragile that she was carried around the house on a silk pillow, … Continue reading “All girls need a hero. And she was mine.”
Baring your soul is painful
Part of the healing process of mental health is baring your heart and soul. I feel like that’s all I’ve been doing for the last 3 weeks and I haven’t even met with the therapist that will be chosen to work with me to try and fix myself. There is a numbness that occurs when you keep retelling your story. It gets easier each time as you brush over it light hearted and almost as bravado. Convincing those listening that you know your past and have dealt with it. But that’s obviously not the case. That’s why I’m signed up … Continue reading “Baring your soul is painful”
Left overs
When I was a child my parents used to hold regular dinner parties for their friends. It’s something that doesn’t seem to happen so much any more. And I think it’s sad. We should bring the tradition back. My mum would spend the first day cleaning the house from top to bottom. Even the beeswax furniture polish would come out filling the house with a smell that always meant something exciting was about to happen. My mum would spend the next day cooking up a storm in the kitchen. My sister and I would love it as we’d get an … Continue reading “Left overs”
Plum pudding and rose petals
When I was a child I spent much of the summer holidays with one set of grandparents or the other. Both sets of grandparents were polls apart, but both promised days filled with fun. When it was our turn to visit my Nan and Pops our days would follow a similar pattern. But all in all we were pretty much left to make our own adventures for the day and that was fine by us. I think we’d probably read books and keep distracted for an hour whilst Nan got on with her jobs and get herself ready to walk … Continue reading “Plum pudding and rose petals”
Its dark in here inside my head
It’s been a month since I reached out to my GP.Since I said the words “I need help”. Saying those words are one of the hardest words to say. I think they’re even harder than saying I’m sorry, because anyone can say that, but if their actions don’t back them up, they’re just hollow and pointless. And since I asked for help, if anything I have got worse. I’ve been to hospital twice. O nce because it was thought I could be a risk to myself. And once because I took action to end my life. I’ve had the crisis … Continue reading “Its dark in here inside my head”
Please don’t ask ‘How are you?’
How are you doing? It’s an innocent question, I’m asked almost daily, and one I’ve been answering for most of my life. “Ye I’m fine thanks,” or “I’m good” It rolls of the tongue in an automated fashion. But right here, in this moment, I’m anything but fine. Yet the preprogrammed response is out before I even think of what I’m really saying. At this time I should be answering no. No I’m not fine. I’m not safe. I’m toxic, and I risk infecting all those around me. Can you imagine the responses of people if I really said that … Continue reading “Please don’t ask ‘How are you?’”
life leaves scars on heart, I do that shit to myself
This week’s scars won’t be my first. I’m not talking about the scars life leaves on your heart. I’m talking about scars I’ve made on myself. I’ve lived with most of my scars for over 25 years. The first time I cut they were just little scratches really. If I hold my arm in the right light you can just make out the little white lines. The first time I cut myself deeply, if you asked 15 year old me what the trigger was, I’d tell you it’s because I’d broken my best friends favourite mug. But the truth was … Continue reading “life leaves scars on heart, I do that shit to myself”