I’ve been back at work a couple of days this week. A little bit of normality. Whilst going in causes me to have massive anxiety attacks on both days. And I feel I have to keep my arm covered as it’s a dirty little secret that might offend people. But overall it’s good to be back with the team, the banter. And when it comes to the jokes it’s definitely like I’ve never been gone. I’ve missed the team. I’ve missed company. One of the conversations that came up, as always was, was that one of my workmates’ coat looks … Continue reading “I told myself I was a fraud, but maybe not”
Month: March 2023
Dear Dad
Dear dad. I never got to say my final goodbyes to you. I made the choice not to travel to France, I knew you’d understand my reasons, it’s not that that I’m angry about. Id thought I’d still be granted a few moments to say good bye. I didn’t get those words. But I want to speak my words to you now. Tell you what I wanted to say to you those 10 long years ago. I would tell you that I was sorry. Sorry for the way you were treated. Test after test, operation after operation even though the … Continue reading “Dear Dad”
Must try harder
I’m due back to work tomorrow. I’m only going in 2 days this week. Ease me back in gently as my life is still full of therapy sessions and health checks. I had told my line manager that if anyone asked to please be honest with them. Before ‘the event’ 3 weeks ago I had sent my team an apology for not being on my A game as I was having issues with my mental health and thoughts of self harm and suicide. They’d all been pretty supportive. But when I spoke to HR to plan to go back they … Continue reading “Must try harder”
Just a little touch of anxiety
I’m starting to think even the professionals don’t know what to do with me. As suggested, I’ve just taken an anxiety course. The basis of the course is that our anxieties are irrational. And once we analyze them we can tell ourselves they’re not real and learn to move forward without them controlling us. We were given a few moments to list our fears, then asked to share one and describe how it makes you feel. I said I get anxiety when my kids don’t check in when they get to where they’re going. The effects of this is I … Continue reading “Just a little touch of anxiety”
That first step
I’ve woken up with anxiety today. Like something bad is going to happen. I’m not sure if it’s because I have both an online workshop and a face to face one today or if it’s because I’m trying to go back to work tomorrow. Either way I’ve woken up feeling like I’m on the brink of tears. It all feels very hard. And part of my current struggles is feeling I should take action each time I get this gut feeling of impending doom. I usually love this time of year. The sun is bright this morning and all of … Continue reading “That first step”
Crazy girl escapes
The village we live in is quite rural, quiet and quaint. The last Saturday of each month we have a comedy night in the village hall. And don’t get me wrong, for somewhere so obscure we get some good headliners. Tonight was my first proper ‘night’ out since ‘the incident’. My first night out being normal. And the best bit is they’ve changed my meds so it wasn’t going to be instant death if I sniff a glass of vino! So I made the most of it. Fish n chip supper followed by an amble to the hall. Now if … Continue reading “Crazy girl escapes”
In free fall
I feel we’re at a turning point. But I’m just not sure which direction I’m turning . I have a face to face workshop today on living in the now :eg mindfulness. Then straight after that I’m meeting with the crisis team with a view to be discharged from their books and handed over to adult services. Before that happened I was promised a review of my meds but that hasn’t happened. I continue to spend my days spaced out on diazapam. Just living a half life. But I was told that could only be a 4 week sticking plaster … Continue reading “In free fall”
Taking out the trash
The last 2 days I’ve taken 2 car fulls of bags of rubbish to the tip. It’s quite cathartic. 1 run was to dispose of the old sofa I’d thoroughly enjoyed smashing to pieces and the second run today was just for junk that had been accumulating around the house. Just stuff we no longer needed that was taking up space. I wish mental health was that easy. All the stuff that was originally boxed up in there, before the goo started leaking out of its boxes and infecting everything else. I wish I could just empty the boxes of … Continue reading “Taking out the trash”
When I grow up I want to be a mummy
Growing up whenever anyone asked me what I wanted to be I’d tell them proudly I wanted to be a mum. It was the only thing that mattered to me. My dolls in their pushchairs were never far away. I was going to have one called Megan and one called Elenore and we would spend our days doing craft projects, exploring nature and giggling all the time. But it didn’t really work out like that. First off my baby girl didn’t look like a Megan. And from 6 weeks old I was left bringing her up on my own as … Continue reading “When I grow up I want to be a mummy”
Its Dark in here, inside my head
It’s been a month since I reached out to my GP. Since I said the words “I need help”. Saying those words are one of the hardest words to say. I think they’re even harder than saying I’m sorry because anyone can say that, but if their actions don’t back them up, they’re just hollow and pointless. And since I asked for help, if anything I have got worse. I’ve been to the hospital twice. Once because it was thought I could be a risk to myself. And once because I took action to end my life. I’ve had the … Continue reading “Its Dark in here, inside my head”